


A Day In The Life

by Sunny_may



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Caretaking, Confessions, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, Matter of Life and Death, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Recovery, Sickfic, Suicide Attempt, friend support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22441102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunny_may/pseuds/Sunny_may
Summary: The present work is reaction to everyone in Downton household to the Thomas's suicide. This thing is something that really misses for men in the series. So this is attempt to follow everyones reaction and meeting with Thomas after the attempt. I think conversations and attention are the reason for the new and changed Thomas later.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow & Elsie Hughes, Thomas Barrow & Phyllis Baxter, Thomas Barrow & Richard Clarkson, Thomas Barrow/Anna Bates/John Bates, Thomas Barrow/Charles Carson, Thomas Barrow/Daisy Mason, Thomas Barrow/Mary Crawley, Thomas Barrow/Tom Branson
Comments: 26
Kudos: 112





	1. Finding out..

After Thomas was removed from the bath, Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Baxter and Andy gently laid him on the ground. Everyone sighed with some relief as the task was not easy.  
-Now ...- Mrs. Hughes began first,-we must undress him so that we can dry him. I think it will be nice and we can cover him up as much as we can. I'll go get a blanket and you dry him.  
Andy and Phyllis nodded, holding Thomas slightly. After Elsie left the room, Phyllis stroked the lying man's wet hair and sighed.  
-Come on, Andy- she began.  
Andy was already holding a large towel in his hands, nervously trying to start a dialogue.  
\- Let's put it below. The floor is cold and he is not dressed ... I guess it's not good to get sick right now ... if ... if he ...  
-Don't even say it ...- Phyllis said.  
Andrew stretched the towel on the cool floor and moved it slightly under the under-butler.  
-That's better ... I think.

Although it was difficult, they were able to remove the water-and-blood soaked blouse. The young man's body was as pale as his face. For a moment, Andy and Phyllis looked at each other questioningly, apparently wondering the same question - how much blood had he lost?  
Phyllis stood up and reached for the several towels hanging on the hanger. Taking them, she saw the neatly strapped uniform right next to them. For a moment she remembered how handsome and proud he looked in them, then instinctively turned to the mortally white man lying on the floor. She had a hard time holding back her tears, but continued on to Andy, handing him one of the towels.

\- Here. We need to dry him quickly so he not get cold.- Saying this, she bent down and began to dry Thomas' chest and lower body.  
When they were almost ready, Mrs. Hughes came in with a few folded blankets in her hands.  
-Are you ready? - She asked, alarmed, looking carefully at Thomas was he breathing. Her gaze stopped at the red spots on the floor towel, just below the young man's wrists.  
-Yes- Phyllis replied. She was dealt with the face. - Only the hair remained, but it hard to dry it.  
\- Leave the hair. Let's move him to bed and warm him up. Andy, take the blanket and put it on him nicely.  
Andy took the first blanket and spread it on Thomas.  
-Done- said the boy, -I'll take him to the room. I think I can do it.  
\- Fold the blanket under him so they won't see his hands if anyone meets us.

Andy quickly obeyed the order and lifted the lifeless underbutler in his hands, wrapped in a blanket.  
Carrying him was no easy task, but eventually Thomas was already in bed. The damp blanket kept the bed from getting wet with water. Phyllis found it increasingly difficult to keep her composure. Her hands were shaking more and more uncontrollably.  
-Mrs. Baxter, calm down… everything will be fine…- Mrs. Hughes said, as if trying to convince herself of her own statement. - Let's get him dressed. The doctor is coming soon…  
-Yes ...- The other woman confirm.  
She picked up a set of clean pajamas and leaned back against the bed. Thomas still didn't move, and she could barely feel his breathing.  
\- Andy, help me! She commanded, trying to lift Thomas's upper body to put on his top.  
Andy rushed in and held the young man upright. Phyllis quickly put on his shirt, carefully with the makeshift dressings.  
\- Yes. We're ready. Now let's put on the bottoms too - Mrs. Hughes continued.  
The procedure was identical.  
\- He is still bleeding- said Phyllis, pointing to the already bloody sleeves of the newly dressed shirt.  
\- I hope that the doctor will come faster.- Andy replied. Together they pulled out the wet blanket under Thomas  
Meanwhile, Mrs. Hughes covered the young man with the other blanket that she had brought. Now they could only wait. The two women were seated on chairs on both sides of the sick man, and Andy sat low part on the bed. Andy spoke first.  
-He was never bad with me- the boy bit his lower lip. -I treated him badly. I should have paid more attention to him, maybe ... maybe that wouldn't have happened ...  
Everyone signed.  
-No one paid enough attention to him- said Phyllis -He ... was never bad ... when he was little ... he was much different ... more open ... always compassionate .. I don't know what happened to him to alienate and change so much.  
Mrs. Hughes had known Thomas since he arrived at the manor. He knew all his successes. And failures too. The constant threat of dismissal, the bad advices and bad company, the horror of a war he never shared, the legal ban to love ... She wanted to talk, but it was too much horror at that moment. She hoped that the boy would survive, as he had survived as he survived everything else, and would rise again, but he hoped he would no longer be alone… he was never alone… but he never felt it for real. She kept staring at him. Deathly white, he didn't move. She hoped that he will win this battle too… She was clutching his cold arm, hoping he would tremble to feel that he would be there tomorrow. The doctor was still missing... The blood had already made small red stains on the white sheet.  
At that moment there was a knock on the door.


	2. Mr. Carson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is little bit depressing probably. There is a little bit blood and medical exams in it soo if you are not fan of that sort of things probably will be bit harder to read. I think next little be lighter than that :)

Mr. Carson walked into the room, followed by Dr. Clarkson. Looking at the bed, the older man took a deep breath and held it. Exhaling was kind of difficult. He saw Thomas for first time in this condition. Around him were Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Baxter and Andy in a circle. They had their heads lowered and somehow they were sunk into bitter silence. The arrival of the doctor brought a sudden hope in the women and they rose slightly from their seats. Mr Carson had already recovered from the initial shock and said:  
-Andrew… Mrs. Baxter… I think it is time to prepare for your evening duties.  
No clarification was needed to understand both of them that it was time to leave the room. They humbly rose. Phyllis turned back to look again at Thomas. She hoped he didn't see him for the last time… With her lips tight, she left the room quietly. Then the butler turns to Mrs. Hughes:  
-Mrs Hughes, His Lordship has been informed of the incident. He is waiting for details. I expect you to manage the servants tonight. I'll stay here for now.  
She nodded in agreement and left the room.  
Meanwhile, Dr. Clarkson quickly leaned toward Thomas to check for a pulse. Instinctively, he reached for his wrist, but then quickly stopped. He put his fingers on the young man's throat and sank in silence. After a long moment of silence, he mumbled  
\- Well ... - though he doubted if he were late. Carson also sighed in relief.  
The doctor removed his coat. After he had done so, he opened his bag and removed the white apron he had worn there. He pushed the bag low at Thomas' feet and left it open so he could comfortably take things from there. He turned to Mr. Carson.  
\- Mr Carson, I will need your help. Wash your hands as we must avoid contamination.  
The butler quickly rushed to the bathroom to wash his hands, and returned again.  
After preparing, the doctor first took his stethoscope.  
-Mr. Carson, unbutton his pajamas and remove the shoulders. I want to hear his heart and his breathing- Said the doctor.  
The thought of undressing Thomas somehow terrified the butler, but he carefully unbuttoned the buttons and unfold his shirt. Because there wasn't much time for details. Charles noticed spots of dried blood in several places. The doctor ignored them, but the butler froze. Richard had already fitted his stethoscope and listened intently to Thomas' heartbeat. His face was expressionless. Charles stared at him as if he wanted an answer without asking a question. A few minutes later, he moved down into the chest area to hear the young man's breathing. The butler kept watching the doctor, waiting for a sign to tell him something. He could feel his stomach tightening. After the doctor finished with his chest, he returned to the young boy's head. First he opened one eye and waved his hand in front of him, and the other repeated.

-All right ...- he repeated. - now to the difficult part. Mr Carson, please give me a clean cloth. Now I will remove the bandages to see what the situation is. I will sew it without anesthesia because at the moment I do not know how appropriate it is to use. I will ask you to hold him steady.

The butler already pale nodded. He sat waiting in the close chair. The doctor prepared iodine, needles and alcohol. Then he placed a towel on the nightstand, then he placed a glass syringe and a small bottle. The butler handed over the prepared cloth. The doctor pull the blood-soaked sleeve up and put the rolled towel underneath. Then he slowly untied the makeshift dressing. A small stream of blood flowed from there, which stained in red, snow-white tissue. The doctor drank a large piece of cotton with alchohol and quickly cleaned the wound. Thomas shuddered. Carson jumped and pressed the young man's shoulders against the bed. Dr. Clackson then applied a layer of iodine. The doctor began slowly to sew the wounds. Although Carson expected Thomas to start at every stitch, he hardly moved. The same thing was repeated in the other hand. After sewing the two wounds, Clarkson deftly wrapped his wrists. Then he took the glass syringe from the nightstand and filled it with medicine from the bottle. He stripped the young man's shoulder and slowly placed it. He then patted the pierced place twice.  
\- You can button him. We're done. Cover him. It is important now.  
-How is he? Will he manage? Will he come back to life? - For the first time, the butler start to speak, almost panicked.  
-I will not lie to you that his condition is not good and the next days will be critical for him. I think he is beyond imminent danger, but there is still a risk of complications. From here on, care is important. Probably in the next day or two he will be unconscious or wake up briefly, but even when he is sleeping, talk to him because he will hear you. In a purely physical aspect... I have to tell you that waking up will be difficult due to the fact that he has lost a great deal of blood. His condition is called hypovolemic shock. His blood pressure is low and his heart rate is weak and fast. Therefore, when he wake up you should give him as much fluid as possible. He will not be able to start eating right away, so you will need to start with something liquid at the beginning that will be easy to swallow. He will be extremely tired, at least in a week I think he will not be able to get out of bed if everything is all right. There will be headaches. I left aspirin. Give it to him. And it's extremely important to keep him warm. I gave him an infection medicine, hopefully not that happend. But I reiterate that he will need solid support and a friendly attitude. At the moment, I don't think I will need to take him to the hospital. If it gets worse, call me right away. I'll come back to see it again in the morning.  
-Dr. Clarkson ..- Carson began. - You know him. Please do not report it to the police. I think we can handle this. I think this is caused by some kind of despair - Deep down, Carson had already begun to realize his role in this desperate act.  
\- I will not report it. I know how difficult he is, and I don't think such an act should be treated as a crime, but you should be careful with him and take care of him.  
-So it will be. We will take care of him.  
\- Make sure that there is mental comfort in the coming days and a sense of care and attention for him. I think this will be extremely important for his recovery. Mr Carson, to be honest, we almost lose him.... He had very little left until the end before they found him…  
Carson didn't answer anything, just nodded his head and sighed.  
-I will go. I hope everything is alright and at the slightest change in his condition call me. Especially if something bothers you ... In his condition, even the slightest complication can be fatal.  
\- All right. Carson said again. - Shall I send you?  
-No need. I'll handle it myself. - Replied the Doctor, already dressed and gathering his things, "Good bye." He left the room.  
Thomas continued to lie unconscious. Carson tried to get out of the room, but he felt like his body was made of stone and he couldn't move. He sighed deeply. As he had said, Dr.Clarkson said Thomas was not an easy man, but Carson,but deep down could not deny that the boy was doing his job conscientiously and deftly. Even one day he would be a good butler... a good butler... a good butler of Downton ... the next butler of Downton ... may be...but only if he survives ....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the chapter :) I will be happy to read comments and opinions :) Again thanks for reading :)


	3. Mrs. Hughes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is here. Its little bit shorter but the matter with time is little bit hard these days.  
> Its mrs. Heughs turn... one of mine very, very favorite characters from the show. Probably she will reapppear :)

Not long after, Mrs. Hughes appeared at the door. The doctor was gone. Mr. Carson was just sitting in the middle of the room straight and staring at the young man.  
-How is he, Charlie?  
-I think he'll be fine." Not good, but I think he'll be fine ... The doctor sewed him up and said we should be patient. He told us to talk to him - he would hear.  
-That's good- the housekeeper said.  
-Elsie, I think we need to clean him up.He is all in dried blood.- Whispered the butler. - we need to keep him warm and give him fluids. He also said he would be very tired and would take time to wake up.  
\- I have care. I'll stay here tonight. You go home. I think Mrs. Baxter and Andy need some rest too. Much has come to them today.  
The butler nodded and said:  
\- All right. I'll be home after dinner. If you want me to stay here?  
\- No need.  
\- All right.

After being left alone, Elsie sighed. The chaos in afternoon was still visible in the room . In one corner were bloodstained clothes. There were quickly thrown blankets on the chairs. The bedside table still contained the bloody rags of Phyllis's skirt, as well as the threads left behind by the doctor. On the sides of the bed were still the white red-stained towels that Clarkson had put under the young man's wrists while sewing them. At the center of this mess was a deadly white Thomas with his hair tousled and chaotically tossed sheets on him. An icy thrill went through her body. It was as if the battle had ended and they had lost it… but they wasn't. Elsie came to the bed, leaned over Thomas, and gently stroked his cheek. He was so cold… but still she could hear him breathing…she could see his chest slowly rising and falling… and that gave her hope.

"My boy ...keep on fighting ..."

Returning to reality, she quickly looked around. She had to sort it out first. In the corner of the room, all the clothes that had been taken off him in the bathroom were collected in a metal basin. She picked it up and quickly collected the bloody rags and threads from the nightstand. She folded and pulled Thomas' intact livery back from the bathroom on the hangers in the wardrobe. At that moment, there was a knock on the door, and then Anna entered. At the sight of Thomas, she wept. Mrs. Hughes hugged her quickly.

\- Calm down! He'll be fine. He will recover. You will see. Do not cry.  
The young woman nodded and wiped her eyes.  
\- I just wanted to see ... see him ...  
\- He'll be fine ...  
\- Can I help you somehow?"  
\- Bring some warm water. We need to wash him. And we must change his cloths.  
\- Right away - Anna nodded, and left the room.  
Mrs. Hughes slowly sat down in a chair beside Thomas. 

\- Oh, Thomas. Look how scared everyone is. Why did you do it… Why didn't you tell us… -Elsie sighed, realizing the false statement herself. - you said… but no one paid attention to you… so sorry… the people here care about you. Look - Phyllis, Andy, Anna .. even Charles. Promise me you will come back to us.

The underbutler continued to lie still.

-You feel alone, doesn't you? I don't even know who to call now ... your father, your sister? You always kept everything in you, didn't you? Is everything in you?  
At that moment, Anna returned with the warm water.  
\- Thanks, Anna. If you wish you are free.  
\- I will help you.  
\- Okay, but you're sure ?- Mrs. Hughes continued, pointing to Anna's belly.  
\- Yes - a faint smile appear on Anna face.  
\- Unbutton his top! we'll take it down. Its Soaked in blood. Then give him that basin there.  
Anna quickly undid the shirt and took it off. Meanwhile, Mrs. Hughes removed the dirty towels and collected new and clean ones.  
\- He's so cold ...- Anna sighed  
\- Let's hurry up so we don't want catch a cold."  
\- Give me the basin.  
Anna quickly handed it over. Mrs. Hughes dipped a clean cloth in warm water and began to wash the young man's body. Suddenly she stopped.  
\- Anna, I think you better go. I'll handle it myself. Now it is not good for you to get excited and watch such things. Especially in your condition. It will be difficult to take care of both of you. Surely Lady Mary is already waiting for you.  
\- Thank you, Mrs. Hughes. Anna nodded uncertainly and left.

Elsie sighed deeply again as she slowly washed Thomas's chest first, then stepped to the neck. Finally there were the hands. She was most careful there so as not to damage the dressing. Only now did she notice how weak he was. It was not drastic weight loss, but she could easily see the outline of his ribs…. She closed her eyes .. she did not want to believe that it was happening. Elsie quickly put on Thomas a new top. She gathered blankets scattered everywhere. And she stretched them on him. She sat down in the chair and slowly pushed the towel over his face. Dark circles were already forming under the eyes, which contrasted with the white skin. This was not the only change. White threads of raven black hair appeared on Thomas' sides. He was already white… and he was only thirty years old…

Mrs. Hughes had nothing more to do. She could only wait and hope that Thomas would wake up . It was already past nine o'clock in the evening. The dinner must be over. The elderly woman was already starting to fall asleep. She was leaning back in her chair and leaning her head against the nightstand when she felt movement. Thomas murmured something in his sleep and turned his head to the right. Mrs. Hughes flinched - it was a good sign. Still, it was some sign of life. She shook his hand and stared at him. He murmured something again in his sleep. The elderly woman took a little breath.

In the early morning, the old woman again felt a similar movement. This time, however, the young man had slightly opened his eyes and stared at her. She turned and put his face in one hand, as if to give him some warmth. He received it with quiet delight.  
-Thomas, are you awake?- She asked. -I'm Mrs. Hughes. Can you hear me?  
He stared at her again, trying to focus.  
-It hurts… so much hurts…- he barely whispered. His eyes were moist with tears.  
Elsie leaned down and touched her forehead to his as she held his hand.  
\- I know! The doctor will come soon and we will tell him. ...Then we'll tell him... I think he'll be glad to see you awake too. .  
\- Mrs. Hughes… I .. I can't move .. I…- He took a deep breath, but it was difficult for him to continue.  
\- I know. That's because you're exhausted. When you sleeping, you will gather strength and then you wont be so tired. I have water. It will be nice to drink. It will help you.  
He nodded. Mrs. Hughes raised his head slightly so that he would not choke and carefully gave him a drink. After he finished, she gently placed his head on the pillow again.  
-That's better- she said.  
-Thank you. - He whispered.  
\- Get some sleep. The doctor will be here soon.  
By the time she finished her sentence, he was already drift away. Now it was her turn to cry. It was hard to see Thomas in this condition. It was hard to imagine that their neglect had led to this. She never taken care of her own sick child, but now she was doing exactly that ... and it was hard...It was already eight o'clock in the morning. Soon someone had to replace her, but when would Dr. Clarkson arrive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Again i will be happy to hear your opinions and feedback ;) Have a nice new week everbody.


	4. From this moment on...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it comes chapter 4. It is little slowish than i expected but ... :) From next chapter on things for our boy will get better :) Probably that will be the last chapter with him in the critical condition :)

An hour later, Mrs. Baxter entered the room. Her weary appearance had not changed much since the day before. She moved slightly to Mrs. Hughes and gently placed her hand on her shoulder.  
\- Are you alright?  
\- Yes. - The older woman answered. - How are you? Did you get some rest?  
\- I couldn't sleep much. - Phyllis said, looking upset at the floor  
\- How is he? Is there any change?  
\- He woke up a moment ago ... He is in pain. The doctor is coming soon. We have to tell him. I gave some water. I suppose he can give him something for the pain.  
\- Good thing he woke up after all.- Phyllis sighed with some relief. -I was afraid it wouldn't happen.  
\- He's tired. He said he couldn't move. I think it's from the blood loss.  
\- Yes.  
\- If you want to go rest. I'll stay.  
\- All right - agreed Mrs. Hughes.

After the old woman left the room, Phyllis leaned over Thomas stroked his cheek and smiled slightly. His hair was as loose as it had been left after he had been brought to the room in the previous day. Then she turned down.

\- Come on, Thomas. The doctor will come, you must be presentable of him.

She turned and lifted the covers, then smoothed them. She pulled his hands over the blanket, but after seeing the bloody stains on the bandages, she decided it was better to pull the blanket over his shoulders. He then dip a nearby cloth in the pan with the water left over from last night and cleaned his face. It had already acquired some color, and even it seemed that it was no longer as cold as the night before.

\- Now we will fix the hair.

She turned and saw the hair wax box, between the medicines and bandages on the nightstand. She closed her eyes and sighed. Then she swore to take the wax. She gently rubbed the wax in her hands and then into Thomas's hair. She gently brushed and smoothed the last lock over his forehead.  
\- You are ready. Look how beautiful you are. - She said fondly.  
\- Philly ... - there was a quiet moan.  
The woman gasped.  
\- Thomas?  
\- Philly…- he smiled weakly as he stared into her face.  
\- How are you? - She replied as she smiled at him.  
\- My hands hurt..- he said weakly, and she sighed.  
\- It will go away.  
\- Phyllis… what happened… I don't remember clearly…-Thomas asked in a raspy voice.  
At that moment there was a knock on the door and Dr. Clarkson entered the room.  
\- Good morning, Thomas! Glad to see you're already awake and even talking? Good morning to you, Mrs. Baxter! - The doctor smiled cheerfully  
\- Good morning- Phyllis said.  
\- How's our patient?  
\- He woke up this morning, but it hurts him a lot- the woman said.  
\- It's normal considering the depth of incision and the amount of blood he lost. I'll give him painkillers, but you have to be careful how he takes them. The danger is not to be addicted. This will make him even more sleepy. I will examine him now and then i be able to say more precisely what will happen from here on out.  
After measuring his temperature and listening to his heart, the doctor began to change the bandages. The wounds did not look better than yesterday, but they were no longer bleeding. From here on they can only hope for a recovery if everything is alright.  
\- Things look fine. Better than yesterday - definitely, but it will take time. It will probably be possible to get up in a week and a half or two. The first days will be difficult. He is not very much himself yet and does not realize what has happened, but he will remember. I will leave you the painkillers, but give them to him as a last measure. Also, it won't be a bad thing to start giving him food tomorrow. Now it is important to eat. - the doctor sighed - it is a miracle that he is alive ... He will need moral support. It will also be more important than the physical… I think its lack has brought him here… I will also speak with Mr Carson on this. Now keep him steady - we'll make the saline solution transfusion. This will restore the fluid lost during the bleeding.  
The doctor rolled up the young man's sleeve and slightly pushed the needle just below his elbow. He groaned. The medicine was in translucent tube, which slowly began to flow. The young man woke up. The doctor tapped him slightly on the face as if to bring him back to reality.  
\- Thomas, can you hear me?-He asked  
He nodded slightly.  
\- Good very good. Don't move. I will make an infusion. You don't have to move for a while until we're done.  
\- All right -Thomas repeated.  
\- Do you remember what happened?- The doctor asked.  
\- Not exactly. I remember Anna and Phyllis in the hallway and the bathroom… and it was cold… and the blood… -Thomas closed his eyes and exhaled.-God, I tried to kill myself ... God ...  
\- That's right. Mrs. Baxter found and saved you.How are you feeling now? - The doctor continued  
\- Tired ...-Thomas continued weakly.  
\- It will be that way for a while, but everything will be fine. You'll be lying down for a while, but you'll be fine.  
\- I didn't want ...I didn't ... I just wanted to mean something to someone ... to belong somewhere or to someone ... The young man continued.  
\- Don't think about it now.- The important thing is you to recover. Phyllis interrupted. - And you're mistaken that nobody cares for you ... Mrs. Hughes has not separated from you since yesterday.Spent all the night here, by your side…  
The tears began to pool again in the young man's eyes  
-Plus, everybody is terribly worried about you. Even upstairs.- Phyllis continued.  
The doctor interrupted her.  
\- Leave him alone. This is not the time. He must rest. I'll stay with him until the bank runs out. You can rest until that happends.  
\- All right. -Phyllis stopped. -Do you want me to bring tea?  
\- Yes. I will be grateful.  
\- Very good.  
Mrs. Baxter quickly reached the kitchens where Anna, Daisy, Mrs. Patmore and Mrs. Hughes had gathered. Phyllis's appearance aroused both excitement and anxiety.  
\- What's happening? Is he okay? - Asked Mrs. Hughes immediately, frightened by the appearance of the ladymaid.  
\- Yes. Do not worry. Doctor makes his infusion. - She shrugged, indicating that she wasn't very aware on the matter.- He said it would take some time to finish. He gave him painkillers for his wounds. He said it would take him almost half a month to get out of bed.  
\- God. - recited Ms. Patmor hand to mouth. - So it's not good at all.-  
\- But he'll live, right? Daisy asked in bewilderment.  
\- Of course, Daisy- Mrs. Patmore grilled.  
\- Looks like we'll have to pay more attention to him now. Hopefully he will not repeat it.- Anna continued.  
\- I don't think so.- Phyllis replied. - He wake up for a while. He also said this to the doctor, he did it because he felt neglected.

There was a bitter silence.

\- Mrs Patmore, the doctor said we would have to feed him soon. It was essential to him. - Mrs Baxter continue  
\- No problem ...  
\- I'll watch over him in the afternoon.- Anna suggested  
\- I can too ...- Daisy suggested  
\- Daisy, you better take care of Andy.- I think he also needs support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always the comments and feedback are very, very welcome :)


	5. Anna

-Anna ...- he smiled.  
\- Thomas ... Good morning. Look what a nice day. Said Anna, unfolding the curtains and opening the window.  
The fresh air rushed into the small room and bring cool freshness. The morning rays burst in and spread in the darkness that had filled the room for the last few days. Anna's light smile brightened the new day even more.  
"That's better, isn't it?"- She asked.  
Thomas continued to smile without saying anything.  
-Are you hungry? - She continued.  
\- A little.  
\- I brought you breakfast. - she said.  
She sat down on his bed. She slipped her hand under his back and straightened him to a sitting position. At the same time she collected the pillows at the top of the bed. She continued to hold his back.  
\- Now. Relax and I'll pull you up.  
\- I think I'll make it on my own, Anna.Just hold me. Ready.  
He leaned against the pillows and Anna put the breakfast tray on his feet. In it, Mrs. Patmore had prepared oatmeal with dried fruits, a few slices of toast, a large glass of milk, a cup of tea and sliced apple.  
\- Mrs. Patmore has overdone herself. I can hardly eat all this.- Said Thomas quietly.  
\- Try to. The doctor said you should eat. This will help restore blood ...  
Thomas did not want to take up the subject again. He looked away at Anna.  
\- Anna you have to be more carefull. Especially now. You will become a mother. - Whispered Thomas, laying his head back on the pillow.  
\- I'm fine. - She replied promptly. - I will manage. When did you notice?  
\- Some time ago. Still, I'm a medic. Well, this is not my specialty, but I can see… - he continued quietly.  
\- Come on, Thomas, eat. She urged him nervously. Lady Mary is worried about you. She asks me about you several times. I think she wants to see you.  
\- Please, Anna. Not now. I don't want her to see me like that. - Said Thomas, looking out into the distance.  
\- When you are ready. - Anna was smiling - you will decide when. But you're better, aren't you?  
\- Yes - he smiled - I think so."  
He lifted the spoon, but it shook violently in his hand. Seeing this, Anna quickly took the instrument from his hands. After a few spoonfulls, he stopped her.  
\- I can not eat any more. Stop it. - He asked  
\- Come on, eat some more. Two more - three spoons and an end. - And he humbly obeyed.  
Then she took the glass of milk and gently brought it to his mouth.  
\- That way. Easy - Anna held the glass and tilted it slightly for the young man to drink.  
He began to choke slightly. She lowered the glass. She took one of the towels left on the side and wipe his chin slightly and the tip of his mouth. Then she got up to take the tray to the desk.  
Thomas was already fully relaxed in the pillows. Although he had regained his color a little, he was now pale again. Leaning back, eyes closed, he said nothing and did not move. Anna was startled.  
-Thomas, are you okay?" Thomas ..- She took his hand and shook it.  
-Yeah ... I just ... I needed to close my eyes a little ... just little dizzy ...- he opened his eyes slightly.  
\- Do you want to call Dr. Clarkson?" - She asked, alarmed, not letting go his hand.  
\- No. I don't think there is a need. Just a few minutes… and everything will be fine.- He closed his eyes again.  
\- If you want try sleeping? You're not well yet. - She suggested. - Are you in pain?  
\- No ... no ... It's all right ...- he squeeze her hand now.  
\- Anna ... - you will be a very good mother .... He whispered silently…  
\- Don't say it ... it might not happen ...- she sighed - this is not my first time, Thomas ...

He turned his head slightly to her and said nothing.

\- This time it will. I promise you. You never said that…. - He continued whispering.  
\- You see, we all have our tragedies, but… we have to outlive them. To be stronger than them, - Anna said in tears. Tears flowed into Thomas's eyes as well.  
\- Anna .. don't cry- he whispered, continuing to hold her hand.  
\- You too, Thomas ...- She gave him a small smile, and wiped the tears from his eyes.  
Sobbing loudly she back to her senses.  
-I think it's time you to get some sleep.- She said, slightly pulling out one of the pillows that held him upright. Then she straightened the blanket and stroked his forehead.  
\- Anna ... forgive me ... - he spoke again. He began to cry - ... for everything over the years. I made a lot of mistakes…  
His breathing began to accelerate, as in the pass few days.  
She put her hand on his chest until he begins to breathe in a normal rhythm again.  
-That's right, calm down... Thomas, all is in the past. The future is ahead of us… The future is important and it is there for us. - She said gently. He relaxed again, and this time it didn't take long for him to fall asleep again, but more calmly this time.

Anna got up and walked to the window to close it. A moment before she did it, she stood up to the morning breeze and took in the scent of the blossoming nature. Caressing her growing belly, she repeated it again. "There is a future untill we are here and breath..."


	6. Tom

Mrs. Hughes and Tom Branson moved slowly along the corridor of the male wing.  
\- Tom, thanks for the attention you are paying.-Said the elderly woman  
\- No need to thank me. Me, too, though former, was a part of the servant, and I know how difficult it is… - he replied.  
Mrs. Hughes smiled slightly.  
\- How is he? -Continued Tom. \- Not very good yet, but slowly recovering. Don't trouble him too much. It is not good to be excited much now. He gets tired quickly. Be careful with him. But don't worry ...-the housekeeper answered

Tom nodded. They had already reached Thomas's room. Tom wasn't very sure how exactly he would approach the under-butler, because in years their relationship wasn't the most perfect, but the former chauffeur knew that some things were better left in the past. Mrs. Hughes nodded, smiled again, and walked quietly down the hall. Tom knocked on the door. He wasn't sure what he would hear and if he would hear anything at all. At that moment, a quiet but raspy voice came from within.  
\- Yes.  
Tom entered quietly. With each precarious step, one wondered if it was a good idea. Thomas lay with his eyes closed on the bed. Hearing the footsteps, he opened them to see who had come. To his surprise, it was neither Mrs. Hughes, nor Phyllis, nor Anna, who had become regular visitors to his room. He wasn't sure if he wanted to see anyone at all, but he was still used to them. They had been used to seeing him in this condition.

-God- he moaned, turning his head to the other side as if to reflect on the situation. This was not an expected guest.

Tom stopped a few steps from the door, not sure if he should continue, but it was too late. Every move would be wrong. He continued unsteadily toward the bed, pausing a few paces away. He could now look closely at the under-butler. He didn't look good. It was much paler than usual. The dark circles around his eyes gave him even more frightening look… He had seen them before Thomas manage to turn.  
…. Just like after the fair ... but this time he looks sick ... he thought  
Standing in place, he was timidly frightened.  
\- How do you feel? - maybe it was a stupid question, because he realized that after what had happened, he was hardly physically well. Then he thought that in order to end his life, he was unlikely to feel well mentally. Thomas turned his head to the other man and closed his eyes. For a moment, Tom thought the under-butler was asleep, but he simply shrugged. He didn't know ...  
\- I'll be fine. - He whispered.  
\- Sibby asks about you ... I think you miss her.- Tom tried to break awkward silence. - We thought for a while that we would lose you ...  
Thomas still didn't look at him.  
\- Do you think it would be a great loss ...- Thomas replied quietly  
\- No one thinks evil of you and no one wants you to die for sure. You are part of this home ... No one thinks of you evil.  
\- Yes ... that's why I'm being persecuted ... because I'm valued, right ... and because I'm part of this home.- Tears burst into the young man's eyes.  
The former chauffeur had not seen the under-butler so frankly and removed the barriers between himself and the outside world.  
\- Sybil always appreciated you a lot. I also saw you when you were working in the hospital. You were devoted to the people lying there. You took care of them. This is not an ability that everyone has. You really need to care for others to be able to care in that way. There are other examples over the years too.  
Thomas was still keeping his head away and crying softly.  
-Thomas, I know it's weird to have this conversation with me, but you're not a bad person, but I never understood why you so stubbornly refusing to show your true self. I know… I know things are more complicated for you, but everyone here has always accepted you anyway…  
\- Not all… - he said in tears  
\- You mean Carson, don't you ... I don't want to justify him ... but you know his attitude to anything that differs from the old standards. Do you know how long it took him to accept what happened between me and Sybil? I'm not even sure if he accepted it at all or just learned to live with it ...  
\- But unlike me, he never told you what he thought right in the eyes ...  
\- No, but he showed it to me very clearly. Can you imagine an Irish communist married to the Lord's daughter. Even the aristocrats treated me better than he did. I am the stain. A stain for the servants and a stain for the family … - Tom continued. - Do you think my situation was better? How many years have passed… Do you think he accepts me now… -

He walked over to the chair. After a few minutes of silence in which Thomas watched the white sheet in tears, Tom put his hand on the other man's shoulder.

\- You need to collect yourself and recover and see how everything will be fine. You never know what's going to happen. Maybe things will be different. You might see them with other eyes. Perhaps all this will help you understand what are the important things for you ... - Tom continued his monologue.  
\- Do you want when you feel better to get Sibby to see you? She will be happy. - Asked Tom.  
A slight smile came across Thomas's face for the first time. He continued to cry quietly. Then he closed his eyes and nodded. A smile still sat on his face.  
\- She's a wonderful kid ... She looks so much like her mother ... Sometimes I think about her ... It shouldn't have happened ... it was so stupid ...- Thomas replied quietly.

Now it was Tom's turn to remain silent. He could hardly find the words now. His eyes moistened. The former chauffeur opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He closed his eyes. Finally he spoke:

\- We just sat there and watched her die and… no one could do anything. The doctors and they ... sat and watched ... just how she was dying ... Everything happened so fast ... so unexpectedly ... they just sat and waited ....

Thomas closed his eyes again, but this time not to cry but to make an effort. Days of bed rest and blood loss had made his movements slow and difficult. Tom continued to cry with his eyes closed. Thomas clumsily put his hand on the other man's knee and released it. Tom gasped. He looked down. The bandage had appeared under the sleeves of his pajamas. The black haired man lay there looking at him with his blue eyes.

\- Don't cry. She loved you so much ... Now you have her daughter ... what a greater gift than that? Take care of her ... -Thomas smiled slightly.  
Tom put his warm hand on Thomas's cold.  
\- Thank you ... - said sniffing the blond man ....  
\- Its me to thank you ...- the under-butler replied in a whisper and smiled slightly.

Tom returned Thomas's hand slightly under the covers of the bed. And slowly he got out of his chair.

\- I will go. Do you need anything? - Asked Tom quietly.  
\- No. Thank you - Thomas said quietly, smiling slightly again  
Tom answered with the same smile and quietly left the room.

Sybil… so many memories… all of which seemed to be from another past world. A world full of ghosts sitting side by side and looking at him. But they still left a mark in his life and continued to live through him. The story of the evening Sybil died ... had his colleagues been sitting the same way with him just days ago? Were they sitting side by side and watching him dying ? ... But he was saved ... by them ...


	7. Andy

The next morning things looked brighter. Thomas had woken up for the first time in days, feeling a rush of energy and lack of headache.  
\- Good morning, dear - a soft voice came to the bed.  
Phyllis, of course. Although they alternated, most often she watched over him.  
\- How did you sleep? - She continued, smiling.  
\- Good. Thank you ! I'm better. - Thomas replied.  
Hearing these words, she shook his hand. All these sleepless nights she had longed to hear just that. Her smile was contagious - he laughed too.  
\- I'm so glad- she said. - I suppose you're hungry. Andy will be coming soon to replace me. I have to go and prepare Lady Cora for breakfast.  
\- Philly… thank you… for everything ..- he said. His voice had gained strength. It was no longer as weak, hoarse and whispering as it had been in previous days. Movements had become more coordinated and faster.  
\- No need to thank me- she said. - I'm glad you're here and recovering.  
At that moment, there was a knock on the door and Andy quietly entered, stopping at the threshold.  
\- I bring breakfast - he said quietly  
\- Don't worry he's awake. - Phyllis said. - Come on!  
Andy quietly stepped forward with the tray.  
Thomas was laying in bed. Seeing Andy he managed to get up and sit down.  
\- Good morning, Andy!- He said  
\- Good to see you, Mr. Barrow!- Andy replied.  
\- How are you?  
\- Better! - Said Thomas, though he was already sick of the question. - I have not seen you in a while…  
\- Yes ... since ... I came several times, but you were sleeping ...- Andy replied nervously. - I brought you breakfast ...  
\- Thanks, Andy.  
\- Mrs. Hughes said the doctor would come to see you tonight.- Andy changed the subject. Thomas didn't answer, just looked down.  
\- I was wondering ... if you would like ... to help you freshen up.- Andy suggested timidly.  
\- Maybe it's not such a bad idea - Thomas replied, feeling the beard that was forming on his face. - but the problem is I don't know if I can stand up.  
\- If… if you like we can try… you still have to get out of bed…- Andy suggested. Then he fell silent, knowing what he had to offer. -If you wish, I can help you get a bath…. At that moment Andy's face was paler than Thomas's.  
The older man looked up as if considering what to answer. Andy felt his body tremble. She knew she shouldn't ask that question, mainly because she didn't know what the answer would be, and even more so it would hardly be positive. Thomas was unlikely to be willing to return to his almost death place. However, only a few days had passed since then…  
Thomas sighed.  
\- I can't ...- he replied. Andy was expecting this development. -... to stand up. You'll have to help me a little  
Andy nodded. He reached over and grabbed Thomas' hand to help him get up.  
\- Doesn't hurt you?- Andy asked. -Tell me if I'm doing something that hurts."  
\- Dont worry! I'll tell you if there's anything.  
With little help from Andy, Thomas managed to sit on the edge of the bed for the first time since the incident.  
\- Hold on. - Andy replied. As she quickly removed his home robe from the wardrobe. After he slowly dressed him, he helped Thomas get out of bed and take a few steps.  
\- Tell me if you're tired. - Andy warned and Thomas just nodded.

To walk alone was unthinkable. Andy quickly grabbed the other man by the shoulder, and they slowly made their way down the hall. Every step was an effort. Thomas was still not strong enough to move alone. With every step, fatigue took over not only the sick man but also the boy who was helping him. However, they had already walked halfway to the bathroom when they heard footsteps down the hall. Mrs. Hughes quickly met them.  
\- You're up and walking! Good, my boy! - Mrs. Hughes strokes Thomas's cheek  
\- Not exactly- Thomas replied, ironically panting.  
\- We are going to the bathroom to refresh Mr. Barrow. -Smiled Andy with a sweaty brow.  
\- You made a very good decision! Come on, my boy, let me help you, - Elsie said, grabbing Thomas by the other hand.  
The movement was now much more easer. A few minutes later they reached the bathroom.  
\- Help him sit up straight and I'll get the tub ready and i'll get out. - Mrs. Hughes commanded, and Andy obeyed. - Take off the bandages and help him undress.

She tossed the towel over the back of the tub so that Thomas would not catch the cold from porcelain and not slip down. She filled the tub with hot water and left. Andy quickly undressed Thomas' pajamas and removed the bloodied bandages. The bathroom was cold, and the man, accustomed to the heat of the blanket, began to tremble.  
\- So ... We are almost done. Relax ... - Andy allowed Thomas to rest for a second and rolled up his own sleeves. The other man was swaying already. The boy caught him under his knees and behind his back and gently carried him to the tub. Then gently put it in warm water, carefully placing it on the taut towel.

For a moment Thomas trembled again, but this time from the heat of the water. Then he relaxed and closed his eyes. By a strange coincidence, he had now reached the same point from which he thought he would no longer return. From that moment on, many things were lost as a memory, but at the same time, the blank fields in his memory had helped to open up a place of good memories. Phyllis brushing his hair, Anna showing off her belly, Mrs. Hughes not letting go of his hand as he wandered through the depths of timelessness… .He opened his eyes slightly… Everything around was red. The room was red… just like the blood that was slowly drifting through the water… but no, it was now not spreading… it was different now… was this room a red purgatory? This time he did not feel the cold and the loneliness… He could feel Andy's hand holding him while holding the sponge with the other… he could feel the warmth of the water… the warmth of the touch… .the slight smell of soap, which then changed to the aroma of shaving foam ... the sharp teeths of the comb in his hair .... The difference was that now it seemed to make sense ...  
\- Wake up, Mr. Barrow. We're ready. - Andy tapped his face slightly to wake him up.  
\- Andy…. Thomas whispered.  
\- Do not worry. Now I'll pick you up and put on your robe. Then, we'll be back in the room so you can rest.  
Thomas nodded his head obediently. His blue eyes flashed in a strange way. Andy quickly put on his robe. Set him up and they made a few steps.  
\- Andy, I don't think I can do it anymore. Let's stop. I can not. I am tired. - Thomas pleaded.

Andy stopped and took him over his knees, holding him to his back. Once they reached the room boy helped him get dressed and put back under-butler in bed and covered him with the blankets . How strange it is to repeat that day. But this time Thomas was conscious.

\- Next time it won't happen again. - Thomas said shamefully.  
\- I know- Andy smiled. - You can see that you are much better  
\- I may need more walks ...- Thomas smiled back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. As always the opinions are welcome :)


	8. Mery and George

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody :) Sorry for long pause but the last weeks was truly busy.  
> Hope all of you are healthy and safe.

The fresh air of the open window slowly stroked his face. Although waking was much easier than the previous days, it still did not bring rest and freshness. He slowly opened his eyes. There was no one around. He was alone. Again. He had grown accustomed to caring looks in recent days, and his lack of sadness had saddened him. His thoughts lazily turned back. Before bedtime, before fatigue ... How many mornings he had woken up alone with no one beside him. Why was it so different now? Had they decided he is good enough to be alone again? He was not yet, he was not… what was “good” actually? To heal his wounds? Get out of bed alone? Feel good? Happy? Loved? Meaning something to someone? Yes. The wounds would heal, he would surely get out of bed, but what would he do next? His time in Downton was counted. It was his getting out of bed that would tell the countdown.

Had he bonded more than he had imagined in this home? Maybe it wasn't the house, but the people in it. No .. people ... people make objects. He had spent most of his conscious life between these walls. They had become his home, and his family lived in it, but not like his real one, which had thrown him away, abandoned and forgotten, but what had taken him out of the clutches of death and brought him back to the surface of the water.

Suddenly the silence and the sea of thoughts were broken by the soft knock on the door.  
\- Yes- Thomas said quietly in a hoarse voice  
The door slowly opened and little George stepped inside, and Lady Mary came with him.  
Thomas trembled and involuntarily tried to support himself in his arms to stand, but the sudden pain thwarted the endeavor. He made no sound, just narrowed his eyes and remained in a lying position.  
\- Are you okay, Barrow? - Lady Mary came down to him  
\- Yes. Don't worry about me. he said breathlessly, still holding his wrists in the air until the pain subside.

He kept clenching his eyes as he felt a gentle, slightly bony, hand clasping the outside of his palm and slowly directing it to the covers of the bed. The first-minute touch of shock brought comfort and serenity. The silence settled into the room again. Mary stepped back slightly. Was it a good idea to bring the child here?  
Thomas breathed heavily but opened his eyes.  
\- Milady ..  
\- Barrow ... why are you alone? Where are the others? - She asked, almost indignant  
\- I guess they're around ... I'm fine, they don't need to be here all the time.  
Mary nodded, questioning the claim rather than accepting the truth.  
\- How are you? She repeated. - Does it hurt?  
\- A little, but it will go away ... and it was more worse than that- he continued, raising his mutilated hand.

Mary sighed. Although she had seen the young man thousands of times with the white glove, for the first time, she was getting a real idea of the true damage. The war had not passed this home either. The loss of William and the recovery of Matthew. Undoubtedly, this was one of the hardest times. Everyone had given something to the war and the war had given them too. She had never thought that this was true of Thomas. As a physician, he had probably helped many people, but why had no one paid attention to him… even then… She gently ran her fingers through the old wound. He winced and withdrew his hand.  
\- Do you need something? Mary asked.  
\- No- Thomas repeated again, looking slightly away.  
\- I'm sorry for what's going on. Maybe ... maybe it's not the best time to talk right now, but I'm sure you can stay here until you're healthy without worrying.  
Tears filled his eyes. "How generous" he thought with irony, but she continued.  
-Daddy is considering staying until you find a new job ... but I guess he'll tell you.  
The small warm water droplets continued to flow over and burn the icy skin. He nodded slightly, unable to object. Each of them supposed he had to take the first step and break the heavy silence, but no one knew how.  
-Mr. Bawow, will you take me on horseback?  
-Master George, I can't ... You're already big ...- Thomas continued in a raspy voice.-You have to act like a real gentleman already. I will not be able to stay with you all the time… you are already big…  
\- George, don't be brazen. Leave it Mr. Barrow to rest. He is ill and needs to recover. Then he can carry you again, but now he needs a friend. Will you be his friend?  
The boy climbed deftly on the bed, looked at Thomas and nodded.  
-You have cold too? - The child continued.  
\- George, let Mr. Barrow rest. - Mary smiled slightly. -I think it's time to go.Rest and heal, but I want you to know that my family is for you and if you need anything you can count on us.  
He smiled slightly, and they quietly left the room.


	9. Daisy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My dear Daisy's turn. Hope you enjoy . :)

It had been almost five days since Thomas had made the fatal decision. While the first few days have been particularly heavy and difficult, constantly he had someone beside him, not only to take care of him. People around encouraged him and tried to show the point of staying among them. In his mind, he had never imagined that the people around cared so much about him. Whether it really was like that or they just didn't want this happened to turn into a public scandal that would not be useful to anyone… Whatever it was,it brought him warmth and comfort.

The first visitor for the day was Dr. Clarkson. Entering the room his expression was serious, as if he didn't knew what he'd find. Thomas had just woken up. He was lying in bed, looking around sleepily.'

\- Good morning, Thomas- the doctor said  
\- Good morning, doctor- Thomas said, still weak.  
\- How do you feel  
\- Better. - The boy replied  
\- Glad to hear it  
The doctor sat in the chair next to the bed, placing his bag on the nightstand.  
\- Any complaints- Clarkson continued  
\- It hurts. It still hurts a lot-Thomas replied  
\- Let me take a look- Said the doctor, raising Thomas's closer hand slightly. He slowly unrolled the bandage to see what was happening to the wound.  
\- It's starts to heal. I won't take the stiches off yet, but maybe next time I'll do it. Cuts are more difficult to heal, especially when they are caused by smooth objects. It's still red and swollen, but it'll be fine. I'll leave you painkillers to drink. They will help.  
\- Thank you! - Thomas replied.  
\- Have you tried to get up yet?- The doctor asked  
\- Yes, but it is difficult.  
\- I think it's time to start getting up. You are lying enough… It's not good for you.-Clarkson continued  
Thomas just nodded slightly.  
Clarkson, meanwhile, was done bandaging the other arm

At that moment, Daisy entered the room with a tray of oatmeal, toast, and a glass of water. The doctor inspected the proposed food and added.  
\- It is good to switch to solid food. I think you are already able to accept it. Now nutrition will be even more important. For now, I wish you a nice day. I will also share my observations with Mr Carson.

Daisy, startled by the doctor's words, had stopped in the doorway and didn't seem to dare move from there without permission. After he left, Thomas invited her.

\- Come in, Daisy- Thomas smiled. Over the years, it can be said that he had developed a soft spot for her and even at times allowed himself to defend her…  
\- Good morning, Thomas. How are you ? What did the doctor say? Are you better? - The girl asked with an open smile  
\- I'll be fine. - The young man replied  
\- What did the doctor tell you? - Daisy continued  
\- That I have to get up to walk. - Thomas replied with a sad smile  
\- But why does that make you sad? - She asked  
\- I'm not sure that others have time to engage them with this. I doubt I can handle myself… I feel so stupid… I've always managed on my own, and now I can't… .- he was silent for a minute - I have to rely on others and I can only blame myself for that.  
\- It's not so bad others to take care of you, is it? I'm glad you're finally letting us take care of you.  
Thomas looked down shyly.  
\- If you want, eat your breakfast and you can take me for a walk. Like a before… Remember? - Daisy smiled

Thomas also smiled back. It was so long ago ... It was as if he had passed into another lifetime long ago... Naturally, he invited her to annoy William, but still that memory made him sweetly nostalgic. A world from which almost nothing was left… before the horror… before the war…

\- I will be glad-he replied - like before  
\- Come eat. The porridge will get cool. - She urged him  
After he dutifully ate everything, Daisy helped him put on his robe. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking uncertainly at the floor in front.  
\- Come here and I'll help you.- Daisy said, taking him lightly by the shoulder to help him up. Taking a few steps forward, Thomas suddenly stopped. - Are you all right?  
\- Yes. I just felt a little dizzy. No problem - he replied lightly and smiled  
\- Come on, now we'll go out again… like a old times- she said with light smile which had changed into an almost tearful expression  
\- Are you okay? - Thomas asked in turn.  
\- Yes. I'm fine! - Daisy smiled  
After a few steps in the small room, they had reached the long corridor of the men's wing. The presence of a woman there no longer impressed anyone, mainly because almost no one lived there anymore. Although they advanced slowly with each step, Daisy's sad expression did not disappear. Although they reached the large window at the bottom slow. Thomas leaned lightly on the low ledge.  
\- Daisy, what is it? - Thomas asked  
\- Nothing. Told you. - She replied sharply  
\- It's not nothing. I know you - he continued  
Leaning beside him, tears streamed down her face. He looked at her intently, knowing that she would speak soon.  
\- I thought .... You see, I didn't love William… not the way he wanted or thought, but I loved him because we grew up together… you and he and I….  
\- When they brought him from the hospital, so pale, so tired, in those blue pajamas like ... - She looked up at Thomas  
-Like mine...- he continued.  
\- And you… you looked like him... i saw you first night, after… I thought he would be fine…he did not look so bad… at least in the beginning… When I saw you so pale… just like him… and I thought that….  
\- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry - Thomas whispered, as if he had just realized what he had done.  
\- He wanted so badly to live, to move forward, but… I thought I might look at him in the same way- Daisy continued, wiping away her tears.  
\- I'm sorry about William and everything that happened to him. We weren't on good terms, but he was a good boy and he didn't deserve it - Thomas continued quietly, remembering William's last minutes. She nodded, her head bowed

Their wedding was one of the most horrific events he had ever witnesed. Maybe if there was anything worse than being doomed to be alone or hiding your love forever, that was what had happened to Daisy. For the first time dressed formally and with a beautiful wedding hairstyle that was race with death. He remained silent.

\- Let's go back, Thomas - You need to rest. I think it's a good start  
\- Yes - he said softly.

A little by little they returned to the room. Their walk may not have been long, but it definitely cost him a lot of energy. After Daisy placed him on the bed, she wrapped Thomas carefully in the blankets and sat on the bed. She stroked his forehead lightly as she looked him in the eyes. He was watching her, too.

\- Get better Thomas. Do it for me! - She smiled.  
\- Daisy...- Thomas whispered  
She looked at him without saying anything.  
\- Daisy, Andy is a good boy. We are rarely given a second chance… there is no more war… take care of him… - Thomas smiled.  
She nodded slightly.  
-You're not going anywhere, Thomas. Life is in front of us. - She smiled. - Keep it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and opinions are welcome as ever :) Thanks for reading


	10. Back to the life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. After looong absence here is the next chapter.  
> Sorry for this, but in past few months was truly crazy for me.   
> Hope you like this . :)

The days passed slowly. Thomas was not sleeping as much as he used to. His strength, albeit slowly, was returning. The pain had decreased significantly. He had almost regained his independence, though he still needed help with some things. Fatigue was still his constant companion, but his companions were the people who lived and worked with him also. Saving his life, in every way, had become the cause of them all. And they gave their best.  
The long hours in bed had given him time to think and also to reevaluate. Almost everyone had come to visit him to show and him his attention, and also to show him why it was important to move on. The last three weeks have been a real ordeal for him. He had lost his autonomy and independence to win them back and realize how valuable they were.  
Deep down, he felt that his time in bed was running out, and with it his time in Downton. He had to return to work soon. Dr. Clarkson's visit today would give a clearer idea of when exactly this would happen. This fact was announced by a sharp knock on the door, after which Phyllis and Dr. Clarkson entered the room.  
-Good morning, Thomas!" - greeted the doctor politely and smiled slightly - How are you feeling?  
Next to him, Phyllis also smiled slightly.  
\- I think so-Thomas said calmly.  
\- I think there is a big improvement - he regains his strength, eats more, now almost moves alone. - She replied proudly.  
Thomas just smiled slightly.  
\- Will you lend me your hand to see what happens? -Invite Dr. Clarkson.  
-Yeah, maybe it's time to remove the stitches-Thomas said  
The doctor quickly listened to his heart and measured his pulse, then slowly unwrapped the bandages. The wounds looked much better. They had healed considerably. The only thing that already betrayed seriousness were the black stitches on his white skin.  
-Thomas, I want you to take my hand and squeeze it as hard as you can?" -instructs the doctor  
Though slowly clenched his fingers and followed the instructions. Then he was made to move his fingers. The same thing happened with the other hand.  
\- All right. The motor function is obviously not affected, so I think it will be able to serve you completely.-The old man smiled. - Now we will remove the threads, but you will bear the bandage a little more ..  
Thomas nodded.  
-Mrs. Baxter, would you be so kind as to bring us some tea? - The doctorasked the woman, who smiled obediently and left the room.  
There was a heavy silence between the two men. The doctor bent down and began carefully removing the sutures from the wounds. Thomas was sitting in bed, covered to the waist with a blanket, staring right there. Although he felt pain from time to time, it did not disturb the silence. He just shivered from time to time. The doctor watched his behavior closely.  
\- Do you need more time to rest? Lord Grantham expects me to say today what your condition is. - The doctor began  
\- I know - Thomas said. - I'm fine.  
\- You're better physically, but do you need time to be really well? - The medic asked anxiously,- as far as I know he wants you to stay until you find a new job. You will not stay on the street.  
\- No, I don't think, I have to get up someday and I have to go someday - he said bitterly. - after so many years… it's weird how you get attached to a place that you think never meant anything to you… But it wasn't really like that…  
\- There are new horizons in front of you… even more things are no longer the same… you do not know what will happen.  
Clutching his lips Thomas closed his eyes and did not answer.  
\- I will tell Lord Grantham that you need another week in bed and you will be able to return to work. - The doctor continued - it's good to prepare for this little by little. Don't overwork yourself at first. You will continue to change the dressings until healthy skin appear. I will also tell Mr Carson.  
\- Thanks! - The young man replied  
Then the doctor carefully packed his equipment and headed for the door. Reaching the threshold, he nearly collided with Phyllis.  
-But won't you drink tea? - The woman asked confused  
\- I have to leave early. Please excuse me. - The doctor smiled, then closed the door slightly.  
Stepping lightly, Phyllis set the tray of tea and biscuits on the desk.  
\- What was that? Is everything alright? - Phyllis asked, startled  
\- Yes. - smiled Tomas- He never was good with patients comfort.  
\- What did you say? - she continued  
\- I can go back to work next week. It seems with lighter tasks, but at least I'll get out of this damn bed.  
Phyllis shook his hand happily.  
\- I'm so glad to hear it.-She said, kissing his clenched fist in her hand.  
He closed his eyes as if to enjoy the moment. Moments like this were a rarity in his life and lasted a short time. He opened his eyes and looked at Phyllis, who was still pressing his hand to her lips. He stroked her cheek gently with his free hand. She shuddered slightly and absorb softly his touch.  
\- Why? Why did you do all this for me? - He asked quietly  
The question came unexpectedly for the woman.  
\- Thomas, I couldn't just leave you. You were dying... - she began, staring at the ground. -No one would leave you like that...  
\- Phyllis only you guessed what was going on, you were sitting next to me, helping me with the most basic things I couldn't do... I had never felt so weak, so helpless... so vulnerable - He kept his eyes closed. -You can't imagine the feeling... First, everything is in darkness, you feel only the dull pain and someone, as if from another world around you. You can't think, cant move. Only shadows, blurred images and dull pain… but you Phyllis was there all the time…you cant figure out where are you and whats happend, what is real and what is dream, like endless nightmare... - he began to wept  
-Thomas, you're not as terrible as you think, but you just need a little care.When a person knows that there is someone he cares about is different… We have too much common past to leave you…  
\- But I treated you terribly, I threatened you- he continued, staring at the blanket.  
\- Forget it… This is the past. You are given a second chance, a new life - try to arrange it the way you want it to be - she smiled at him while still letting go of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcome


	11. Home...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So that is the last chapter of the work ... I am very late with it but second half of the year was absolutely crazy and very important for me so that cause the late finish of that work.   
> So that it. The final isnt how i want it but that it .   
> I want to thank you everyone of you who red that work. Thank you so much for support ! Forgive me for the language, english its not my mother, hope it wasnt so bad! Thank you again!  
> Wish merry christmas and happy new ! Hope that new 2021 brings good things to all of you!

he first descent for dinner since the incident was a kind of ordeal. All five floors were still a challenge. By the time he reached the lowest floor, Thomas could feel tired, but the difficulties were yet to come. How would they accept it after so long? How would everyone look at him after what he did? How many of them even knew what had happened?  
Unlike all the other times he had gone down for dinner, he was not alone. Phyllis walked slowly beside him. They went hand in hand. She smiled slightly at him.  
"Everything will be fine," she whispered softly.  
He stroked her lightly on the hand that was on his. He nodded and smiled back. The first smile in months…  
They entered the dining room together. Everyone was lost in conversation, and rarely did anyone pay attention to who came into the room to see.  
\- Ah! Mr. Barrow! Welcome ! We are glad to see you! - Mrs. Hughes's voice echoed over the other sounds around the table.  
\- Thanks! - The young man replied with a light smile. - Welcome to your place! - She invited him warmly to the chair next to her.  
He sat still laughing. He didn't realize how much he really missed that. The noise of people, the scratching of chairs on the stone floor, the soft crackling of the fireplace…  
\- Good evening! - Mr. Carson's thick voice cut through the trance Thomas had fallen into.  
The butler's own voice quickly brought him back to the reality and anxiety of a month ago. He was aware of the fact that Thomas was returning to his normal rhythm. Naturally, the young man would start with lighter tasks at first, as to a large extent, and the condition of his wrists still did not allow him to do everything fully.  
\- Welcome back, Mr. Barrow!" Mr. Barrow will return to his duties tomorrow morning. So Andrew, you go back to your usual job.  
\- Welcome! - Daisy whispered softly from behind as she walked around and handed out bread.  
***  
Two months later, Thomas could now boast that he was the new butler of the Stiles family. Although it sounded great, this place was not his. Physically he was already well. The pallor from the blood loss was almost gone, as was the constant fatigue that had been his constant companion in recent months. He could already see how pointless was the events in end of July had been, and on the other hand, perhaps he could already see the situation clearly. Nor did his colleagues hate him. Would they take such good care of him if they really hated him ?! Would they send him away with a kiss? He could already see the answers to these questions, and they were different from what he had thought at the beginning of the year. But he still had to move on ... Downton was history, but he still couldn't assimilate that change.  
He did not regret surviving, but he still felt the emptiness. The elderly couple did not lead a particularly rich social life, so his duties rarely included events other than the daily dinner. He also helped Sir Stiles with his clothes.  
The cook, the other person in the household besides him, was an elderly woman. She came several times a week, but still they found it difficult to find communication other than business. She was far from Mrs. Patmore's level. It was nothing like it was in Downton. Life here was slow, boring.  
Oh, how he didn't want to leave the big mansion. He remembered his last days there. The room, whose ceiling he had looked at for years and years, and in the last month, had been steadily, strangely, moving back behind him. The walls he could no longer see at that time, and they were far behind. So many years… The suitcase in hand, the steps along the corridor. He walked slowly past Mr. Carson's old room, which no longer lived in it, William's room, which had been lost in the war, Bates' room, Jimmy's room — he was long gone, too, but their images seemed to send him away. to the white doors. The stairs he had sat with O’Brien so many times… So many memories… So many… Everyone had gathered in the kitchen to see him off. All who had been his companions during those years… They had gathered to send him on his new journey, which he was about to take… and which would soon take him again to a place he already knew was his home…


End file.
